Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
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My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”