*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club