White Castle for the Win
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
This was a bad idea all around
become ungovernable
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.