“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
me and who
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
The “baby” on the left….
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands