“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
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Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Dietest Coke
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.