manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*