My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
This is hilarious….
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit