“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.