Perfect.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
This is my bus stop.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.