Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here