When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.