Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
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A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.