Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!