My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.