ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
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listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.