Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE