The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
The honesty is refreshing
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.