Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
That’s not how days work.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
channeling her this year
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand