Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)