[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
You Might Also Like
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
WHY would you be happy about this?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”