“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
this has done me in for some reason
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.