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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My blood type is coffee.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Damn he played himself
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Dear Lord..
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.