Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no