Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*