carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Muppet Screams
You had me at “define legal”.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?