interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Did I do this right
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*