MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.