*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
You Might Also Like
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.