HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.