Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
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*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?