If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me in tagged photos
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you