My dog learned how to text
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i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Lol
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business