Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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for all #parents out there
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if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft