Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
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There is no try. There is only give up.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Herpes is trending, good job people
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Breaking news:
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.