[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby