[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
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Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*