I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
You Might Also Like
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
i’m still crying at this
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.