“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.