Name this drama.
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: