I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.