Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I think I’ll stand
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”