I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?