There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
craving $300 all of a sudden
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.