[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards