if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.