A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
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ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
When I laugh on my period
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.