Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Denise please return my vape pen
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.