I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
You Might Also Like
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.