I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.