The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.